Fire, G and Blackmama came out yesterday to help out and came today for the wedding/reception/party.
Fire and G came stag but together. The cutest pairing was Blackmama and Madam W. Blackmama invited her when Madam W said it had been a long time since she had been to a wedding or a party.
Fire gave me a signal from far away to get my ass over there and listen. I had such a hard time keeping myself from laughing.
When Madam W was introduced to a stuck up village socialite snob that thinks she is the best there is, Madam W introduced Blackmama as her attendant.
Mrs. Walter, as she likes to be called (stuffy old cow), asked how Madam W found her attendant and wondered if they were hard to train.
Madam W said her great-great-great-grandmother had deeded Blackmama’s whole family to her a hundred years ago. Her father was her houseman, her mother the cook, her sister was her personal bath attendant and her brother was her chauffeur.
[Side note: Does anyone know what a chauffer (missing u) is? Answer: A table stove or small furnace, usually a cylindrical box of sheet iron, with a grate at the bottom, and an open top. Sometimes I can not speell so Google comes to the rescue but not always.]
Afterwards Madam W apologized for having fun but Blackmama said it was the greatest experience she ever had. She told us she had never acted before and had whispered to Madam W for guidelines. Madam W came up with most of it.
A few times when Mrs. Walters asked something Blackmama would lean over to Madam W and get a quick explanation of what the words meant. She did it like no one was watching – it was great.
Madam W asked for a ‘pick-me-up’ and Blackmama disappeared and returned with a pill and a glass of whiskey.
Madam W did not hesitate, she swallowed them both, coughed hard and thanked her.
Mrs. Walter ordered Blackmama to get her the same thing, referring to Blackmama as ‘you’. Madam W warned her that Blackmama did not always take orders from others.
Mrs. Walter let it be known that she better take orders or she would be sure to do something about it. Typical Mrs. Stupid old cow response.
Blackmama returned with a pill and a glass that I knew did not contain whiskey. It looked liked warm pee – I hoped not.
Mrs. Walter swallowed the pill and glass of liquid and started choking just like Madam W. Her face turned white but after a few minutes she seemed to recover.
Madam W spoke with Fire and I about all her buildings and Mrs. Walter could not contain herself trying to outdo us.
I finally asked Mrs. Walter the number and value of the properties she owned. When she answered five and half a million, Blackmama commented to Madam W it was not very much.
Mrs. Walter wanted her punished immediately for being so uppity.
Madam W asked whatever for.
Fire and I both had to turn away. Blackmama leaned towards Madam W and wondered how this indigent person had been invited to such a grand affair. Keep in mind this was the rehersal dinner last afternoon/evening, not the weeding.
Madam W said she would find out and left telling Blackmama to keep her seat warm. Blackmama put a napkin on the chair but just hovered over it – she did not make contact. The gleam in her eye made Fire laugh.
Mrs. Walter was not happy – she wanted to know how many properties Madam W had. G, using her sweet fuck you voice told her that to join our club you must have at minimum twenty properties and a net worth of at least twenty million.
Mrs. Walter asked who was in the club and we all raised our hands, even the teens. About twelve of us had gathered to watch Blackmama’s performance.
Mrs. Walters seemed to shrink realizing she was way out of her league but she still had her nose way up in the air.
Madam W came back, Blackmama removed the napkin and pretended to polish the seat and helped Madam W sit.
Madam W said that Pops apologized to them all - he does not know how she got past his security. He offered to remove her but she declined for us all – we’d be moving into the cabin soon for our gourmet dinner.
She totally ignored Mrs. Walter even though Mrs. Walter said she did not sneak past security but Liz, who had the floor, totally ignored her and told about this poor old lady who got kicked out of a party for farting too much.
Madam W stood up and thanked Liz reminding her. She told Blackmama she needed to use the restroom. Blackmama asked if she would need her hemorrhoid stuff. Madam W said not this time.
Mrs. Walter was surprised Madam W let ‘her’ use the same bathroom. Madam W stopped and with a look of disgust asked Mrs. Walter how else would she get her ass wiped.
She did a harump and walked away. I excused myself and followed them to the pool bathroom. When I opened the door laughter stopped immediately until they saw me.
Then we all lost it. Blackmama asked if she fired and before I could answer Madam W told her she had a job for her and she would not have to supply the toilet paper.
Liz came in and said that Mrs. Walter was wondering where her section was. She could not think of anything so she told her she would go ask.
Blackmama said she would handle it and asked Liz to help her. By the time Madam W and I had composed ourselves and made our way back to Mrs. Walters, Liz told her to go to the orange fence then turn right and follow it to the end.
Blackmama gave her about two minutes then followed her. Liz grabbed a video camera and ran to the second deck – she yelled that the old fart was headed for the porta-potties.
Blackmama came back after about 5 minutes with a big smile on her face.
Liz came downstairs and was upset she was only able to get a little audio but not much. A tree blocked her view. Liz said Blackmama used so many fifteen dollar words she was sure Mrs. Walters missed the whole point.
Blackmama told her that’s why she gave Mrs. Walters a dictionary so that she could look up the words.
A few minutes later we heard Mrs. Walters complaining to Pops that someone’s slave had been extremely rude and needed to be punished.
We girls ran to see what would happen next. Blackmama rounded the corner and Mrs. Walters pointed her out. Pops looked at Mrs. Walters, the sheriff and mayor then motioned Mrs. Walters over to the fence.
He bent towards her and apologized that he would be not be able to solve her problem. As a matter of fact, after careful consideration and discussion – we all watched Mrs. Walters assume her position of authority – Pops was very happy to give her the following message. She smiled and seemed to grow even taller.
None of us had any idea what was coming. Pops indicated everyone around him and told Mrs. Walters that we had all reached the same decision and agreed that she could go fuck herself.
Blackmama and Madam W lost it. Liz sat down on the floor. Momtoo grabbed her crotch and ran for the bathroom. Mom watched Mrs. Walters and asked if she needed some Depends or an ambulance.
Mrs. Walters, red in the face, waddled towards the exit. Blackmama commented that the little people had to use the service entrance on the side. A guard directed Mrs. Walters towards the side of the cabin.
Pops asked what started it all. Madam W said Mrs. Walters commented on all the undesirables at the party and wondered how Pops and his family could be friends with such ‘people’ especially when they had so many dark friends.
I later found out the pill was a sugar pill and the drink was watered tea with an extreme amount of lemon.
Mom was glad we would not see her again and was sure if she did show up they would only have to let it be known that Madam W was on the way.
The rest of the evening was spent listening to Madam W telling her stories. It was a great time. At one point she had an audience of about seventy in the great room.
Mom told her she had a standing invitation – just give her an hour’s notice so that she could hide the silver.
Madam W said she was too late.
Blackmama said she had taught her everything she knew.
We had a great time.
Posts for Saturday, October 11, 2008 (index)
The Madam W and Blackmama Show – Oct 11 2008 by Dani
Posted at 8:02 PM
The Rehersal Dinner – Oct 11 2008 by Dani
Posted at 6:24 PMWhen my people put on a wedding, you have to rename it – was it a wedding inside of a party? Some kind of ball? A fall festival? A celebration? A bash? A gala? A coming out party?
You should have seen the teens decked out (is that right? Pops term) for the wedding – my goodness they looked like young ladies in their twenties and for once they acted like it. We were so proud of them.
I know – we’ll call it an ‘informal do’.
(Thanks Google and Answers.com).
The ‘do’ started last night.
We had a hell of a party last night at the rehersal dinner. Pops had security here last night and they estimated a crowd of five hundred.
A quick explanation – in the fall Pops extends an open invitation to the community to celebrate many things. Usually we have hot dogs, chips, pork & beans, a big bon fire, and beer and a band and dancing –usually country. Some people call it the fall festival but this year was a different theme. It was a feast.
All you needed to know was Moms middle name. Pops changes it for each party. He tells the people at the bar, at Lucy’s restaurant and the mayor and sheriff of the local village. The rest of it is word of mouth. If you don’t know it, you can not get on the bus and you only get one chance.
Visitors MUST be on their best behavior. Use the word fuck in front of a lady and Cheese will throw your ass in the river. No kidding. Don’t like something – better not complain or you will be told how to resolve that complaint and it involves walking back to town with your head up your ass.
All kids are welcome but the adults can not act like kids – unless they are cute AND good kids.
Everything is outside – admittance to the cabin requires a background check and one of us accompanying your every move.
This year, fences were setup preventing people access to the wedding tents, the boat house and cabin proper.
You can not drive here – the road is closed except to people who live somewhere on the road. To come to the ‘do’ you park at the Wal-Mart and catch a shuttle bus, if you know the password. When you get back to Wal-Mart someone will make sure you are sober enough to drive and if not, you can sleep for a while on a cot in a tent or take a cab or call a friend.
This year, we had two sets of shuttle buses. The wedding party and the village party. We had a few confused people last night but Cheese had one of his people at each venue to make sure every got where they belonged.
The year we celebrated many things – Pops made a list and Moms added a few things and some of us added personal things to the lists in the house. B and gB were embarrassed by some but gB added getting boobs to the bottom with a smile and blush – Pops changed it to BIG boobs. He does have his fun.
The list? In another post called Celebrations.
The party ended at 2 am when the beer ran out. All of the wedding guests had left by then –Stubby, Pops and Captain stayed up to party with them and make sure everyone left.
All the rest of us in the cabin were in bed by midnight. You see, we had a wedding this morning.
Posts for Friday, October 10, 2008 (index)
A Beautiful Day - Oct 10 2008 by Dani
Posted at 4:41 PMThis has been an absolutely beautiful day – perfect if you were to ask me.
Pops would not let us go to Grannie’s – was not sure if we might be needed. The florists setup the flowers and decorated the tents, decks and great room. They had not planned to do the boat but gave it a gallant attempt when asked.
There are over 1000 roses, all different colors in so many different arrangements. Many are singles with a plastic test tube attached to provide water and nourishment.
Moms told Pops this is what they wanted for their next anniversary.
Moms and Red went over their notes and plans. So far everything is going just fine and is all on schedule.
Captain has nine BBQs going out in the driveway and side yard. He is cooking pigs and a side of beef for the rehearsal dinner and the future. It smells so good each time someone opens the garage door.
Liz won the Moms/Pops pool – they came down at 8:15 looking like they had not yet been to bed according to gB. Mom asked what her what she thought that meant and gB without hesitation said that somebody was getting lucky.
It was so funny. Now every time one of the Moms leaves we ask if they are going to get lucky. Once Mom grabbed Pops and dragged him up the stairs. He protested she had already got lucky four times today. He did not get away.
A little while later Pops walked up to the balcony and announced to the world that Mom had just got lucky.
I heard one of the decorators ask who Mom was. I yelled for her and she came to the balcony. I told the decorator that was Mom – she is giving a special two for one today – and I left.
I have not heard anything yet.
Liz s learning how to make margaritas but she CAN’T taste test them – she must leave that up to Momtoo. I commented to Liz that Momtoo, the lightweight, would not last long and she could take over the testing.
Liz took one sip and said it was terrible. I told her to give it a chance – might take a few years to get use to it but once she did, it would be a luxury.
Momtoo told her that was the point, they taste terrible until the tequila kicks in then they become addictive. She might be right.
Still have not met anyone interesting but the old marm did stop by my desk and say my outfit (shorts and sweater w/tennis shoes) today was MUCH sexier than yesterday. WHAT?
The distributor is here setting up the bars and beer tubs. The bar tenders are here setting up the bar backs and figuring out where their cooling trailers will be parked.
Pops and Captain decided they did not want too much traffic on the lawns so Cheese took a barge to the distributors dock and loaded beer trucks and tap trailers and tubs on board and then parked it at the dock this morning.
One of Cheese’s guys is using a 4-wheeler to move the trailers and tubs around. Cheese is laying 2 by 12s for the beer trucks to park on. It sure looks to me like we might be expecting thousands of people. I’ve never asked and don’t see anyone that knows.
Jeni is due here at 6 pm. BBs is picking her up from the airport. As far as I know, everyone else has arrived. Jeni staying here just to make everything easy.
We girls got a peek at her wedding gown that the shop delivered today. As Mom said, it is breath taking. Annie wondered about its cost and William whispered it was worth more than all of our cars together. There were eight of us there with cars, 2 with customized Stangs, two with Mercedes and three Cadillac SUVs and one expensive foreign job. They would not let us examine it closer but it must have diamond buttons or something.
Stubby took many of the heartier guests on a tour of our peninsula – he was staying on the paved roads until one of them said they were not afraid of the woods. Stubby phoned for help – he needed someone to take over the pavement pounders while he took the cave dwellers in deeper.
Henry and Rose went to help him. Debby was going to go but her morning sickness is really bad. Moms asked if she had tried their suggestion. Debby said she had not found a good candidate. Moms said they would help.
I can’t wait.
Well that’s about it for now. I imagine I will be busy when the party starts in about an hour so don’t be surprised if we are silent until Monday.
So Many Guests – Oct 10 2008 345 by Dani
Posted at 4:00 AMI hate when strangers walk through my domain. I feel violated even raped.
I know that all these people know Jeni or William – and I know they would not be here if they were not trusted. I know, I know , I KNOW. I still don’t have to like it.
When the teens and I went to get Moms, they commented that there were not very many ‘good looking’ or interesting people. I honestly had not paid attention.
But when we got back we all noticed. How could this be? Maybe our expectations were too high – or maybe everyone was too drunk for us to gauge their appeal.
I was sober, as were the teens but Pops was wasted and Moms soon joined him. They said we were wrong – bull.
We decided to spend the night at Red’s. William had hired four small buses to move people between the resort and the cabin. We caught a ride to across the street and went to bed.
B woke me up at 3 am saying she was really hungry – we did not really eat supper last night, we just grazed the buffet table.
When gB came in complaining Liz woke and we decided to come back to the cabin.
Lucy and Captain were already cooking for the breakfast buffet. We got it hot off the stove and it was GREAT – we all ate too much. Then B realized we did not have school today – in fact we have nothing to do until the rehearsal dinner tonight.
We are all looking for suggestions. Liz wondered about Pops and B reminded her Moms were home. They started a pool (thanks for teaching that Pops) on what time they will come down.
Liz suggested we drive up to Grannie’s – I agreed but we have to make sure we don’t have any chores.
We’ve decided to take a nap and let our asses grow a couple of inches from breakfast.
Oh well.
Posts for Thursday, October 9, 2008 (index)
Constant Arrivals – Oct 9 2008 1825 by Dani
Posted at 8:54 PMThis place is like an airport terminal. We have people coming , meeting others and then going – usually someplace together.
Almost the entire fourth floor from William’s office is here – that’s the executive floor. Almost thirty of Jeni’s former co-workers, some of them from Canada and others from Californicator made the trip.
They have most of the two floors at the local resort. Jeni and William’s parents and other close family are staying at Captain’s B&B – their first paying customers.
Captain brought the boat out of dry dock – said he needs experience winterizing it anyway. Stubby’s first trip was 35 people.
From the 3rd deck you cannot see the yard for all the tents. Two tents have A/C – that is crazy - but it will be 80 on Saturday.
William just asked me to go pick up a friend at the airport. Should only be one person – he handed me the keys to his Porsche – I almost came when I started it up. I stopped at Red’s and borrowed one of B’s miniskirts – I am terrible. His friend will never forget this ride, right?
Except his friend was a school marm, about 70, with a million dollars of jewelry on display. She wondered how I was able to get in and out of the car with that skirt.
I said that was the point – she asked if I was William’s mistress. I should have said yes but instead I explained.
William gave me a dirty look when I got her back to the cabin.
I told him next time describe who I was picking up. He said no need – I would not be helping anymore
Sorry – teens sidetracked me. We had to get away for some peace and quiet. We’ve met too many people and suffered many an idiot.
Well, almost time to go get Moms, we can’t wait. Later.
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